Culture Shock Transcript

A list of all the messages that appear in Culture Shock.

Spoiler Warning: Plot or ending details follow.

Opening

(A bullet hole appears in the wall with a gunshot. Sam is at his desk with his gun, shooting at Max. He is standing with one foot on a bowling ball, balancing an apple on his head.)

SAM: Quit moving around so much, bobblehead!

MAX: When are we gonna get another case, Sam? Surely the local lawbreakers miss our esoteric brand of personalized criminal justice.

SAM: Patience is a sharp razor to swallow, little buddy. OK, don't scream this time.

(The phone rings. Sam gasps.)

MAX: Ah! I got it, I got it! Hello?

(Max grabs for the phone, then realizes he isn't holding anything. The phone rings again. Sam picks up a note and reads it.)

SAM: "Leave Swiss cheese by the rat hole or you'll never see your precious phone alive again." Jiminy Christmas Eve in a padlocked sweatbox! Some misguidedly ballsy felon's napped our phone!

MAX: Eerie - I just went cheese shopping! How did they know?

(Jimmy Two-teeth emerges from his rathole.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Be sure it's Swiss cheese, right? And be quick about it!

SAM: Ordinarily I hate yielding to extortion, but I have to admit I'm half charmed by the sheer spunk of that oily little perp. Where'd you put the cheese, Max?

MAX: Gosh, it was hours ago! You know I have the memory of a dried trout.

SAM: Sadly, yes I do. Well, it's gotta be somewhere in this room...

The Office

Max

SAM: Hey, Max.

MAX: What is it, Sam?

Line 1: Where's that cheese?

SAM: You sure you don't remember where you put that cheese, little buddy?

MAX: Sheesh, you'd think I'd forgotten my pants or something. It's here in the office someplace.

Line 2: I wonder who called?

SAM: Who do you think that was on the phone?

MAX: Oo! Maybe it was the governor, calling about my plan to secede from the union!

Line 2: We need that phone!

SAM: I wish we hadn't missed that call. It might have been the commissioner, calling with a case!

MAX: Yeah! Or maybe it was the president, calling about my idea to do daylight savings time in five minute increments!

Line 2: I miss our phone.

SAM: Oh I feel so all alone, because some crook has swiped our phone, rodent or rodents unknown... Where's my banjo, Max?

MAX: I've hidden it for the good of society.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Line 3: I'm feeling a chill.

SAM: Does it feel drafty in here to you?

MAX: Hey, you're the one with clothes on.

Line 3: I'm feeling philosophical.

SAM: Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we were bugs?

MAX: Short, I hope. Although I've always wanted to have more arms!

Line 3: I've got a headache.

SAM: Some days I can feel the atmosphere pushing on my head like a giant thumb.

MAX: Some days I hide weights in your hat to see if you notice.

(Third line repeats.)

Line 4: Let's Get To Work!

SAM: Let's get to work!

MAX: I couldn't agree more!

(Conversation ends.)

Big gun > Max

SAM: Tempting at times, but I've become fond of the little guy.

Boxing glove > Max

SAM: Max, you ever hear of the term "tough love"?

MAX: It's the only kind of love I know!

Bowling ball > Max

SAM: He does look a little like a bowling pin, doesn't he?

Coatrack

SAM: Where's the rest of the noose collection, Max?

MAX: It's a surprise!

Water cooler

SAM: Hello, Mr. Spatula. How's the weather in there?

Big gun > Water cooler

SAM: I wouldn't want to hurt poor, defenceless Mr. Spatula.

Light switch

(Sam turns the lights off/on.)

Office door

SAM: We'd really better not leave until we take care of this Swiss-cheese-ransom-the-phone deal.

Dartboard

SAM: One of these days we're going to finish that game.

MAX: I'm still working on getting the rest of the darts from the police impound.

Waste basket

(Sam tries to pull a card off, to no avail.)

SAM: No dice.

Moon picture

SAM: Remember our trip to the moon, Max?

MAX: Like cottage cheese through a strainer, Sam.

SAM: You continue to baffle me, little pal.

Motorcycle picture

SAM: Remember our motorcycle trip through the Midwest?

MAX: Just you, me, and the authorities from seven states. But those were quieter times.

Answering machine

SAM: Nobody ever leaves us messages any more.

Lush vegetation

SAM: I think Hubert could use some water, Max.

MAX: I'm training him to fetch it himself.

Boxing glove

(Sam picks up the Boxing glove.)

SAM: This might come in "handy". Heh heh!

MAX: Don't do that again.

(Boxing glove is added to inventory.)

Open window

(Sam and Max look out the window. Go to Open Window.)

Donut box

SAM: Last month's donuts.

MAX: Don't throw that out, I'm saving it for a science experiment!

SAM: You bet, little buddy.

VCR

SAM: I bought that VCR at the supermarket!

MAX: So you know it's a good one.

SAM: Still smells like asparagus, though.

Television

(Sam turns on the television. A copy of Emetics appears.)

ANNOUNCER: Life troubling your digestion? Reality blocking your passages? Expel your troubles with "Emetics," the handbook for multi-coloured happiness, and "separate your bliss"!

MAX: Hey, it's that personal colour spectrum book!

SAM: Self-help for the helplessly selfish.

MAX: Perfect! I'll take two.

(Sam turns the television off.)

Television (x2)

(Sam turns on the television. A copy of Emetics appears.)

ANNOUNCER: Expel your troubles with "Emetics," the handbook for multi-coloured happiness, and "separate your bliss"!

SAM: I think I've seen this.

(Sam turns the television off.)

Television (Further)

(Sam turns on the television. A copy of Emetics appears.)

ANNOUNCER: ...Separate your bliss!

SAM: There sure are a lot of commercials on this channel.

(Sam turns off the television.)

Coat hanger

(Sam takes the coat hanger off the television.)

SAM: Let me just fiddle with the reception, here.

MAX: Put it back, Sam, put it back!

(Sam puts the coat hanger back.)

SAM: There, that fixed it.

Roadkill calendar

SAM: 2002 was a great year for calendars.

MAX: I'm glad we stocked up. We've been going through them at a rate of about one a year since then!

Max's Desk

SAM: No comment.

Lava Lamp

SAM: Someone once told me that the contents of a lava lamp make an excellent hand cream.

MAX: That was me.

SAM: Which is why I haven't tried it.

File cabinet

SAM: Twenty years' worth of electric bills take up a surprising amount of space!

Old case file

SAM: Ah yes, I remember that case. Particularly gruesome.

Bowling ball

(Sam picks up the bowling ball.)

SAM: Good old Loe!

MAX: Who's Loe?

SAM: The bowling ball, of course.

(Bowling ball goes into inventory.)

Bulletin board

SAM: When I got this thing, I thought it would be useful.

MAX: Where else would we keep all the pieces of paper that we're never going to look at again?

Rathole

SAM: Yoohoo! Tiny hoodlums!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Leave the cheese by the hole!

Jesse James' hand

SAM: We should have Jesse James' hand appraised one of these days.

MAX: I bet it's especially valuable because it's autographed!

Closet door

(Sam opens the closet. A large pile of cheese slices are inside.)

SAM: Aha!

MAX: Oh, there it is!

Pile o' cheese

SAM: Unfortunately, this is not Swiss cheese.

MAX: So what?

SAM: So, the rat was very specific about wanting Swiss cheese in particular.

Big gun > Pile o' cheese

(Sam fires at the cheese with his gun, filling the slices with holes.)

SAM: Take that, you law-breaking dairy products!

MAX: Sam, no! The cheese was innocent!

SAM: Innocent? I think not.

Pile o' cheese (After shooting)

(Sam takes a slice of cheese.)

SAM: Voila! Swiss cheese! Or close enough to fool the casual observer, anyway.

MAX: Don't say "voila".

(Swiss cheese is added to inventory.)

Pile o' cheese (After taking Swiss cheese)

SAM: I don't need any more cheese.

MAX: You're telling me.

Swiss Cheese > Rathole

(Sam places the cheese beside the rathole. Jimmy walks out and kicks it inside.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Greetings. The members of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Vermin would like to thank you for your offering.

SAM: The members of Sam & Max would like their phone back now.

MAX: If you don't mind.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: I regret to inform you that the situation has changed, and I am unable to comply with your request. A list of additional demands for the return of the phone is as follows:

(Max grabs Jimmy and puts him on Sam's desk. The lights turn off as the desk lamp is shifted to shine on Jimmy.)

SAM: Now, let's discuss this calmly.

MAX: Let's debone the smarmy little skeez and see if the phone's in there!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: I ain't talking, coppers. Jimmy Two-Teeth ain't no rat. Er... Well, uh, I ain't talking.

(Go to Jimmy's Interrogation.)

Jimmy's Interrogation

Sam's Dialogue

Line 1: Let's be reasonable.

SAM: We've met your demands, we got you the cheese. Any honourable rodent would hold up his end of the bargain and give us back our phone.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Us rodents ain't known for being particularly honourable.

(Line 1 disappears.)

Line 2: Let's make a deal.

SAM: We'll go half-easy on you if you'll just cough up the phone.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Yeah, yeah. Never happen, pig.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Line 3: My partner's dangerous!

SAM: Look, I want to help you, but my partner is a little unhinged. I'm afraid I may be unable to keep him from harming you in some colourfully gruesome fashion.

MAX: Lemme at 'im, Sam!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Aa, I can take care of myself.

(Line 3 disappears.)

Line 4: Help me help you.

SAM: Help me help you, Jimmy.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: What the heck is that supposed to mean?

SAM: I have no idea, but it always sounds good on TV.

Line 5: Got a headache, eh? (Appears after Jimmy is irritated)

SAM: You mentioned a headache, would you like some aspirin? And while I'm at it, is there anything else I can do to make you more comfortable? Are you thirsty, perhaps? Lights too bright?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Well, that's sportin' of ya. Now you mention it, I don't really like bein' up here so high. I got me a thing about heights, you know?

MAX: Oh, really?

Line 5: Got a headache, eh? (x2)

SAM: I'd be happy to let you down off the desk if you'll just hand over our phone.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Nah... It ain't all that scary.

Max's Dialogue

Line 1: I'll wring your little neck!

MAX: I'm about ready to wring your scrawny trash-eating neck!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: You think you're scary?

SAM: You don't know where his hands have been!

MAX: Or when I last washed them.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Who cares? I'm a rat, remember?

Line 1: I'll make you lick my palms!

MAX: Hand over the phone or I'll make you lick my germ-encrusted palms.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Yeah, yeah. I've licked worse.

MAX: Like what?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: You don't even wanna know.

(Line 1 disappears.)

Line 2: I'll feed you broken glass!

MAX: I'm thinking of stuffing a lightbulb down your throat, perp!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Go ahead. I've been a little hungry.

Line 2: I'll lock you up!

MAX: Maybe I'll lock you in our file cabinet!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: So?

MAX: In three separate drawers.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: You bore me.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Line 3: I'll torture your ears!

MAX: Maybe you'd like it if we played some music. How about Cat Stevens?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Fine. Jimmy Two-Teeth ain't afraid of no cats.

(Line 3 disappears.)

Line 4: I'll tear you apart!

MAX: Lemme pry open his skull and look for a conscience, Sam!

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Yeah, yeah. I'm shakin' like bacon here.

Line 4: I'll tear you apart! (x2)

MAX: Ever had your peeled epidermis inflated like a party balloon?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Kid's stuff.

Line 4: I'll tear you apart! (x3)

MAX: Ever eaten one of your own limbs, phonenapper?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Naw, just other people's.

(Line 3 repeats.)

Line 5: I'll hang you out to dry! (Appears after finding Jimmy is scared of heights)

MAX: Don't like heights, eh? How'd you like it if I dangled your greasy hide out the window?

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Heh. You wouldn't.

(The scene cuts to Max standing outside the window, dangling Jimmy over the street as Sam watches.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Wait!

MAX: I warn you, I'm known for my fuzzy white butterfingers.

SAM: It's true. You should see him trying to tie an ascot.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: All right, all right! Have mercy!

MAX: I've had mercy before. It was unpleasantly gooey, like.. well, like things that had fallen onto pavement from a great height.

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: I give up! Take yer phone and lemme go!

(Jimmy literally coughs up the phone, which flies into Sam's hands.)

SAM: Aww, for the love-a' - I wish I could unsee that.

(The phone rings. Sam picks up.)

SAM: Hello! Yes? Great gouts of steaming magma on a beeline for the orphanage! We're on our way!

(Sam hangs up.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: YAAAAAAA... OW!

(Sam turns to Max.)

SAM: Where's the rat?

MAX: I let him go. Who was on the phone?

SAM: It was the commissioner, Max! Multiple reports of malfeasance in the neighbourhood.

MAX: Oh, joy! That's my second favourite feasance!

SAM: Idiot. We've got to get down to the corner store right away!

(Interrogation ends. Sam can now leave the office.)

Jimmy Irritated Dialogue (Occurs after Max's dialogue)

• Hey, dogface, yer partner's givin' me a headache!
• Can I go now?
• Amateurs.

The Office (Post-Phone Interactions)

Max

Line 1: Next stop, corner store.

SAM: We should probably get down to the corner store one of these days, like the commissioner said.

MAX: What are we waiting for, a sale?

SAM: Sometimes the wheels of justice turn slowly, little buddy.

(Line 1 disappears.)

Line 2: Finally, a new case!

SAM: It feels good to be back in the ol' saddle, doesn't it?

MAX: You've been watching too many John Ford movies again. Let's go beat up some thugs.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Rathole

SAM: Yoohoo! Tiny hoodlums!

(There is no response.)

Videotape > VCR

(Sam puts the videotape in the VCR.)

SAM: OK Max, ready for that ocular workout?

MAX: No, STOP!!! We don't have any popcorn.

SAM: Sweet alligator dentures soaking in formaldehyde, that was close. Quick, before it starts!

(Sam and Max leave the room. The video begins.)

BRADY CULTURE: Hello, I'm Brady Culture. You may remember me from Culture's Clubhouse, the massive worldwide television hit that ran for six episodes in 1970.

(Jimmy Two-Teeth walks out of his rathole.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: Hmm...?

BRADY CULTURE: What you're about to see will change your life forever, so watch closely...

(Brady puts the Hypno-goggles on and fires them at the camera. A massive flash of green light fills the room, hypnotizing Jimmy.)

BRADY CULTURE: Now listen up, you tasteless Philistines! You love me... you adore me... you want to name all your children after me...

(Jimmy's eyes turn from black to a green hypnotic spiral as the light vanishes.)

JIMMY TWO-TEETH: I love you... I adore you... I want to name all my children after you...

(Sam and Max walk back into the office.)

MAX: Sam, look!

SAM: Ocular fitness, my eye! That videotape hypnotized Jimmy Two-Teeth!

MAX: I think I like him better this way.

SAM: We've got to find this Brady Culture, and stop him before he hypnotizes every consumer of cheap self-help videos.

MAX: Can I have his hair when we're done?

SAM: Only if you keep it on a leash.

Open Window

Graffiti

SAM: They say graffiti is the poetry of our time.

MAX: Just what we need. More lame poetry.

Specs (If below the window)

SAM: I wish he would stop vandalizing our building.

Bowling ball > Specs

SAM: Can you believe we get paid to do this?

MAX: *Sniff* I love this country.

Office Street

Office

(Sam walks inside the office. Go to The Office.)

Max

Line 1: Lovely weather we're having.

SAM: Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?

MAX: So balmy and sulphurous. It makes me want to feed expired food products to stray animals and homeless people.

SAM: Head like a watermelon and a heart to match. That's my pal.

Line 1: Remember that film they did here?

SAM: Do you remember when they filmed "Corkscrew Psychopath III" here?

MAX: That was a film? Boy, that explains a lot!

Line 1: I think I stepped in something.

SAM: I think I stepped in part of the city.

MAX: Hopefully it was one of the parts that was dead already.

Line 2: Let's get cracking!

SAM: Let's get cracking!

MAX: Yeah!

(Conversation ends.)

Street sign

SAM: One way/Dead end.

MAX: One way, dead end... street signs are such fitting metaphors for the human condition.

SAM: Remind me to refill your prescriptions.

Dumpster

SAM: I once hid in that dumpster to escape a rampaging gorilla!

MAX: I still don't know how she got out of the office. I was sure I locked the door.

Parking meter

SAM: Remember our old car, Max?

MAX: I said I was sorry.

Specs

(Soda Popper Introduction #1 - If Specs was met first)

SAM: Say there, unfashionably dressed street urchin...

SPECS: Aah! You made me mess up! Now I have to start all over!

MAX: Yowzers, you are one ugly ki... Heeey... I know you!

SAM: Oh, that's right! You're one of the loveable scamps from that old TV show about the singing soda jerks!

SPECS: It's called, "The Soda Poppers", and the seventies are not "old".

MAX: Specs! It's you! Wow, an actual celebrity vandalizing our neighbourhood. This is great!

(Soda Popper Introduction #2 - If Specs was met second or third)

MAX: Look, Sam, it's another one of the Soda Poppers!

SAM: Wow, what are the odds? Say there, soda man...

SPECS: Aah! You made me mess up! Now I have to start all over!

MAX: Specs! It's you! Wow, an actual celebrity vandalizing our neighbourhood. This is great!

Line 1: Remember when you were famous?

SAM: Boy, you sure were a famous oddly underdeveloped teen celebrity at one time.

SPECS: I'm still famous!

MAX: ...Are you?

SPECS: Um, like a million point one times more famous than you!

SAM: Well, we're really more known in the 18-to-34-repeat-criminal demographic.

(Go to Specs Topic: Specs' Life.)

Line 1: Remember when you were famous? (x2)

SAM: Most days we don't find Z-list celebrities defacing public property on our own block.

(Go to Specs Topic: Specs' Life.)

Line 1: Remember when you were famous? (x3)

SAM: They say fame changes a person.

(Go to Specs Topic: Specs' Life.)

Line 1: Remember when you were famous? (Further)

SAM: Boy, you sure were a famous oddly underdeveloped teen celebrity at one time.

SPECS: I'm still famous!

(Go to Specs Topic: Specs' Life.)

Line 2: About your spray painting...

SAM: Tell me something about that trendy modern street art you're perpetrating.

SPECS: What about it?

(Go to Specs Topic: Graffiti.)

Line 3: You're under arrest.

SAM: By the way, we're Freelance Police, and you're under arrest.

SPECS: No, I've really got to finish this. But thanks anyway!

SAM: Um...

Line 3: You're still under arrest.

SAM: Seriously, you're under arrest. Come along quietly and no one gets hurt.

MAX: Actually, I prefer that you don't come quietly.

SPECS: Must... finish... painting.

Line 5: You sure are fast. (Appears after attempting to attack Specs)

SAM: You sure move fast for a man your age.

SPECS: Well, a constant diet of beverages loaded with caffeine and sugar gives me the blood pressure and heart rate of a hummingbird.

MAX: Sam, what's the lifespan of a hummingbird?

SAM: Hush, little buddy.

(Line 5 disappears.)

Line 5: See you later.

SAM: Excuse us, we have important things to do.

SPECS: Don't we all.

(If ending conversation for first time:)

SAM: Max, you've got the TV schedule memorized... weren't the Soda Poppers going to be featured on one of those grim celebrity tell-alls today?

MAX: Oh, yeah! On Channel 173, the child-star expose network, which we only get when it's convenient!

(Conversation ends.)

Specs Topic: Specs' Life

Line 1: How about an autograph?

SAM: Say, how about an autograph for my pal?

MAX: You can sign my butt! Make it out to "Squinky".

SPECS: I don't sign butts anymore. People get ticklish and they move and it gets messed up.

MAX: I'll take that risk.

SPECS: Sorry, I can't stop painting. This has to be perfect.

Line 1: What was your catchphrase again?

SAM: What was that catchphrase you used to say on your show?

MAX: It was like, "You messed me up!", or something like that.

SPECS: "You made me mess up." Which you just did, thank you very much.

MAX: Oh yeah!

(Line 1 disappears.)

Line 2: What've you been up to lately?

SAM: So, Specs, what are you up to these days? Any new projects?

SPECS: Yes! I have a new light in my life, and his name is Brady Culture. He's the genius behind the Eye-Bo ocular fitness program. You really should try one of his videos.

(Go to Specs Topic: Brady Culture.)

Line 3: Didn't I see you on TV recently?

SAM: Didn't I see you on an episode of "Celebrity Slapfight?"

SPECS: I was desperate! I was heavy into three-ring binders at the time, and I needed the money.

MAX: You got your clock cleaned by that old lady from "Old and In the Way!"

SPECS: Never saw that walker coming...

Line 4: Well, that's nice.

SAM: Well, that's nice.

(Return to previous topic.)

Specs Topic: Brady Culture

Line 1: Eye-Bo? Strange name.

SAM: "Eye-Bo" sounds like an electronic archery toy.

SPECS: Eye-Bo is the truly visionary ocular fitness program. Try the video today!

Line 2: Where can I get this video?

SAM: Where can I find a copy of the video?

SPECS: They carry them over at Bosco's. You should get it!

Line 3: Enough about that.

SAM: Sounds fascinating. But enough about that.

SPECS: You can never get enough of Brady Culture's Eye-Bo.

(Return to previous topic.)

Specs Topic: Graffiti

Line 1: Who or what are you painting?

SAM: How exactly did you select your subject matter?

MAX: He looks like a fried egg.

SPECS: It's Brady Culture. He's the genius behind the Eye-Bo ocular fitness program. You really should try one of his videos.

MAX: I'd rather try a fried egg...

(Go to Specs Topic: Brady Culture.)

Line 1: Is this art, or is it advertising?

SAM: Is this art, or is it advertising?

SPECS: I... I'm not...

MAX: Is there really any difference?

SAM: Good point, little buddy.

(Line 1 disappears.)

Line 2: Why are you painting?

SAM: Do you live to paint, or do you paint to live?

SPECS: I don't know why I do it... I just have to paint!

Line 2: How'd you learn to paint?

SAM: Do you take lessons to learn how to do that?

SPECS: No, it just came to me one morning. This morning, in fact.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Line 3: Vandalism is illegal, you vandal!

SAM: Are you aware the vandalism is illegal? And worse: unoriginal.

MAX: We like to punish people who do it that aren't us!

SPECS: How could this be vandalism? Everyone loves Brady Culture!

Line 3: You messed up!

SAM: Is the paint supposed to go outside the lines like that?

SPECS: What?! No! Where?

MAX: Heh heh heh!

SAM: I'm just pulling your dwarfish leg, my friend.

SPECS: Don't do that.

Line 3: You messed up again!

SAM: Max, is that a... fly in the paint?

SPECS: What?! No! Where?

MAX: Heh heh heh!

SAM: Just kidding again.

SPECS: And people wonder why I need therapy...

(Line 3 disappears.)

Line 4: See you later.

SAM: Well, we'll just leave you to it.

MAX: But you have to agree to paint me next!

SPECS: Sorry, I only paint Brady Culture.

(If ending conversation for first time:)

SAM: Max, you've got the TV schedule memorized... weren't the Soda Poppers going to be featured on one of those grim celebrity tell-alls today?

MAX: Oh, yeah! On Channel 173, the child-star expose network, which we only get when it's convenient!

(Conversation ends.)

Spray Paint

SAM: Hey, a can of spray paint! And it's not even empty.

(Spray paint is added to inventory.)

Sybil's

(Sam walks inside. Go to Sybil's.)

DeSoto

MAX: Where we going, Sam?

Bosco's Inconvenience

Entering

SAM: Have no fear, simple citizens, the Freelance Police are here to keep the peace.

MAX: Violently, if possible! You called?

BOSCO: It's just you two? Where's the SWAT team?! Where's the National Guard?! Where's NASA?!

MAX: NASA??

SAM: Hold on, Bosco. What's the problem?

BOSCO: What's the problem?! It's a terrorist! A munchkin terrorist! He'll be the death of us all!

(Go to Bosco Topic: Munchkin Terrorist.)

Bosco

SAM: Hey, Bosco.

BOSCO:

Line 1: About the munchkin terrorism...

SAM: About the munchkin terrorism...

BOSCO: What about it?

(Go to Bosco Topic: Munchkin Terrorism.)

Line 2: We wanna buy something.

SAM: We'd like to patronize your fine establishment, my good man.

MAX: By patronize you, he means we want to buy stuff from you, not... mock you. We probably will mock you, but that's not what he meant.

BOSCO: I know what he meant. Don't patronize me! So, what do you wanna buy?

(Go to Bosco Topic: Purchases.)

Bosco Topic: Munchkin Terrorist

Line 1: Munchkin terrorist?

SAM: Where exactly is this Lilliputian agitator?

BOSCO: Are you blind?! He's right there!

(The camera shifts to view Whizzer.)

(Soda Popper Introduction #1 - If Whizzer was met first)

MAX: Yowzers, that is one ugly ki... Heeey... I know him!

SAM: Oh, that's right! It's one of those lovable scamps from that seventies TV show about the singing soda jerks!

MAX: The Soda Poppers!

SAM: Isn't he the one with the... bladder control issues?

MAX: Yeah! Whizzer!

BOSCO: He's a former child star?! Oh, just lock him up and throw away the jail!

(Soda Popper Introduction #2 - If Whizzer was met second or last)

MAX: Oh, hey, it's another one of the Soda Poppers!

SAM: Isn't he the one with the... bladder control issues?

MAX: Yeah! Whizzer!

BOSCO: He's a former child star?! Oh, just lock him up and throw away the jail!

Line 1: Remain calm.

SAM: One of us needs to take a couple elephant tranquilisers and call it a day.

MAX: And you should take a few yourself?

BOSCO: How can I be calm with a munchkin terrorist in my store?!

Line 2: What's he doing?

SAM: Exactly what is the nature of Whizzer's... malfeasance?

BOSCO: He's delivering videos I didn't even order! Brady Culture's Eye-Bo?! What is that?! Oh, it's something bad, I can tell you that! And look at that display! It's subversive. And hideous! I don't know any white guy with a 'fro like that.

MAX: I hear that!

Line 2: Video dumping? But why?

SAM: Any idea why a freakish relic of the 70s would unload videos in your store?

BOSCO: Think about it. No individual acting alone would ever deliver videos of his own coalition. I smell... * Sniff sniff* ... a conspiracy!

MAX: I think you're just catching the hot weenies in an updraft.

BOSCO: *Sniff sniff* No, it's definitely a conspiracy.

Line 2: A video delivery conspiracy?

SAM: What sort of malevolent forces would conspire to burden you with unwanted video cassettes?

BOSCO: Oh, they've all got it in for me... the government, the media, the mafia, aliens, sentient computers, my mother, Niels Bohr, Switzerland, head lice, lint, pastrami, hair spray, tellt-

MAX: Stop right there! Hair spray had no part in this!

BOSCO: Oh, that's what you'd like to believe.

(Line 2 disappears.)

Line 3: Have you seen this Eye-Bo video?

SAM: Have you actually watched this Eye-Bo video with your own... eyes?

BOSCO: Only a fool would watch a strange video! You watch it.

(Line 3 disappears.)

Line 4: Any other complaints?

SAM: Any other heinous terrorist activities to report?

BOSCO: Yes! He keeps using my bathroom! Who knows what he's doing in there?

MAX: I think I know.

SAM: So we've got an unwanted video dumper and serial... leak-taker.

BOSCO: Not even the National Guard can help us now.

Line 4: Delivering videos, that's it?

SAM: So all this Whizzer character's doing is... delivering videos.

BOSCO: And abusing his bathroom privileges.

MAX: That's it?! Did he steal any of your overpriced merchandise or at least try to disembowel you with a sharpened spork?

BOSCO: No way! I've got B-TADS, the single most technologically advanced security system ever concieved by the human mind.

Line 5: B-TADS? What's that?

SAM: B-TADS? Is that one of those acronym things I've been hearing so much about?

BOSCO: Yep. Bosco-Tech Automated Defence System. I made it myself.

MAX: Wow, I've always wanted to automate my defence. How does it work?

BOSCO: Just pull a weapon, you'll see. Or try to walk outta here with something. Go ahead, I dare you.

MAX: Maybe we will!

Line 5: Why isn't B-TADS working?

SAM: At the risk of sounding callous... how come your fancy-pants defence system can't even stop small-bladder boy over here?

BOSCO: It was designed to keep people from taking stuff out of the store, not from bringing it in!

SAM: Ah, right. A rare case of reverse shoplifting.

MAX: Shopdropping,

SAM: Mm, yeah, I suppose so.

Line 5: What's B-TADS again?

SAM: What does that B-TADS thingamabobber do again?

BOSCO: Bosco-Tech Automated Defence System? Try to steal something and find out...

Line 6: What's he doing again?

SAM: I'm sorry, what was your problem again?

BOSCO: What's wrong is the police on my case have apparently been attacked by brain-stealin' aliens! *Gasp* You have been attacked by brain-stealin' aliens, haven't you?

SAM: No, no, only yanking your chain, compadre.

MAX: Whizzer: dumping videos, taking nothing but leaks. Got it.

Line 7: I think we got it.

SAM: I think we got it.

BOSCO: OK, anything else?

(Return to previous topic.)

Bosco Topic: Purchases

Line 1: What've you got?

SAM: What've you got?

BOSCO: Well, I've still got that big sale on cheese.

MAX: Ooh, yeah, cheese, I want that.

BOSCO: And, I might have another item of interest behind the counter...

Line 2: Okay, what's behind the counter?

SAM: I accept your thinly veiled invitation to ask what's behind the counter.

BOSCO: Oh, just a little something I like to call a tear gas grenade launcher.

MAX: Tear gas grenade launcher?! Ooh yeah, I really want that!

(Original Version:)

BOSCO: It's the latest in Bosco-Tech innovation. It'll clear out a room of militant college students in no time, guaranteed.

(Remastered Version:)

BOSCO: It's the latest in Bosco-Tech innovation. It'll clear out any room in no time, guaranteed.

MAX: I feel really close to you right now.